Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.

What could be more thrilling than trying to outwit the Internal Revenue Service?

Years ago I was friends with a guy who had just got himself a nice little street bike. He calls me up with this great idea…

“Hey, man! Let’s go see my buddy Matthew in Manchester! I got an extra helmet!”

Time out. I want you to understand something. He is inviting me to ride on the back of the bike… with him in the front… just so you are clear about this.

“Alright!”, I answer. “Let’s do it!”. Yeah. I’m a sucker.

So he rolls up on his Honda 250… this is a small bike by the way… and Here We Go!

Now… I already have paranoid delusions since birth… “Everyone is staring at me”, I used to tell my Father… and he would correct me, “No they’re not… It’s all in your head”. REALLY?! ‘Cause you know there is nothin’ stranger than seein’ two dudes rompin’ about town on a tiny little motor bike the size of your granny’s Hoverround in the dead of summer. I doggon guarantee you… every-one-was-staring.

Anyway. We are on our way to Manchester… some… I don’t know… fifty miles away, I think. Yeah… that’s right. You have the picture in your mind jusssst right…    I’m on the back. Holdin’ on tight… ’cause wouldn’t you know it… dude man at the helm loves to jack rabbit start his little scooter and my skinny little butt keeps slidin’ off onto the back fender. You’ve seen Dumb & Dumber. No further elaboration is needed.

One sec… (If you have not seen Dumb & Dumber… please stop everything you are doing and watch this American Classic before moving on with the rest of your life).

Long story… so I’ll break it down for you…

There is no Matthew.  We ride around all afternoon searching for Matthew. “What’s the problem?”, you ask me??  The Hellion driving this fancy low rider has no clue where this mysterious Matthew even lives. You think I’m kidding, don’t you! Nope. That’s right kids. We came all the way here… on public roads… to see… nobody.

But alas! The day is saved…

Yes, indeed! We are goin’ to the mall! Doggon if this whole trip is gonna be a waste. We are headin’ to the fancy podunk mall of Manchester and we’re gonna…. you know it!… pick up some chicks.

Stop me if you need a moment to recover. I know what you’re thinkin’…  Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills. You know, like nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills… Yeah. Girls tend not to go for dudes who like to ride on motor bikes together.

So we roll into the mall lot… and right away… all eyes are on us. That’s right ladies… men are here.

I say to my buddy… “Dude… lemme drive… I been on bikes my whole life… lemme drive”.

Reluctantly he turns the handlebars over to me… with one stipulation… he will ride on the back to make sure I don’t do anything stupid. Good thinkin’! And off we go!

Ah, nowww…. time to get the full attention of allll the babes…   But! Girls are impressed with dudes who have mad skills! Right?

Right! After all… we are now on this babe-impressing mission. And I know exactly what girl like. Trust me.

No warning. I just gun it. I know we were cruisin’ fast… the eyes and cars went streaking by…

Oh crap. I could see the parking lot was ending. Uhh. Andddd there was a…. drop off!… into another parking lot… we are saved! Yessir! “Hold on man!”…   that’s right… I am gonna show the world my mad skills!

So, the curb is slanted… a bonus characteristic to my advantage… having been a long time BMX  enthusiast… I was quite confident in my curb jumping skills. We hit the curb … launch into the air… Andddd….

Oh darn…. that parking lot is kinda far away… and wayyy down there. Uhhh….

SLAM!  We hit the curb at the bottom with the front tire… “Nice job!”... already pattin’ myself on the back.  “But, man that was a hard landing”

Kerthunk. Kerthunk. Kerthunk. Kerthunk.. Kerthunk… Kerrrthunk… Kerrrthunkkk…. Kerrrthhhhunkkk……..

“Oh My Bike! My b***s! My Bike! My b***s!”

Yeah. The impact shattered the front rim. Nice. Now what.

Ah! “Dude… I know bikes… I can fix this… it’s nothin man”… I’m thinkin’ quick here, right.

Yeah. Right. We call another buddy who drives 50 miles in his pickup… Thank GOD for pickups… backs his truck up to a hill… and we push the bike into the back of his truck… and the whole way home I’m all “Dude, I can fix this… I swear”.

Yeah? I paid $150 to a bike shop for repairs. And… guess what!… No Chicks! Andddd… I can’t ride his bike anymore. Awww.

Published in: on May 19, 2010 at 8:20 pm  Leave a Comment  

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