The Gift that Keeps on Giving

“You need a colonoscopy“.

“The heck I do!”

That’s how the conversation needs to go.

That’s how it needs to end.

If you’ve ever wanted to know what it’s like to have an angry Troy Polamalu slam into your rear end at full stride wearing a missile-shaped helmet with a pretty little light on the end of it… Well! Then here’s your chance!  Wanna know what it’s like to blow air and mucous out your rear for two whole days??… Yeah. Thought you’d say that.

Once you get the news from your family doctor that you’ll need a colonoscopy… I strongly recommend asking the following questions:

1. What the (your word here) is a colonoscopy?

2. WILL IT HURT?

3. Can my friend film it on his video phone?

4. Will I at least get paid to do this?

5. How long does it take?

6. Will this be on You Tube?

But wait!… There’s some prep work that needs to happen before you ever even make it to Doctor Feelgood…

Depending on what ails you specifically the doctor may want a few stool samples, which you will need to bring with you the day of your colonoscopy. And let me tell you… the idea of depositing measured amounts of one’s own doo-doo into tiny plastic cups and then freezing these bad boys… is an ugly one. (At least it should be). Not to mention you will soon be waltzing into the clinic with your own pretty “non see-thru bag” of frozen turds… so get ready.

The day before the procedure you will have to swallow… please sit down for this… THIRTY SOME-ODD DULCOLAX. Translation please: Self Induced Diarrhea. The good news is that you only get to drink liquids and eat yogurt for a whole stinkin’ day. So at least you won’t be wasting Grandma’s Famous Turkey Pot Pie.

In addition to the magic diarrhea pills… you’ll need some Gas-X… and you’ll need to swig down a gallon of lemon-flavored Magnesium Citrate… which, by the way, is like drinking artificially flavored goat urine. So, good luck with that.

OK… now your day of funny fun is over and it’s time to go…

At the clinic you’ll find a room full of people who are there waiting for their turn. And ever so often you’ll see some unsuspecting sacrificial lamb stand when his name is called, smile ’cause he ain’t gotta wait anymore, then follow the nice lady right on back… “well it’s about time” written all over his face.

Mmmm Hmmm. A few hours later the same door opens realll slowww like… and you see the same dude walkin’ all limpy to one side… kinda half speed now. Oh boy.

Your turn! You stroll on back with your bag of turd sickles, do the whole scale thing… blah blah blah… Now you’re on the bed in your cute little gown… you get jabbed for the IV… get your drugs… fall asleep…

And so you wake up. And it’s all over. And GOD it hurts. Your belly is cramping and your butt hole feels like you sat on the business end of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Get used to it. ‘Cause it’s a whole ‘couple more days before that goes away.

And, ladies… if your sweet little boyfriend comes on back to Recovery to give you butterfly kisses and hold your pin-pricked hand… SEND HIM OUT… ’cause they just pumped your intestines full of compressed air… and it’s fixin’ to rip!

The good news is… the whole thing from start to finish is just a few hours. And you can have someone drive you home as soon as you feel up to it.

So… give yourself a little happy pill while you’re limping on out the door… and say to the unsuspecting magazine-flipping zombies waitin’ for their turn…  “OMG that thing was HUGE!  I’ll pray for you all.”


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Published in: on May 21, 2010 at 10:10 pm  Leave a Comment  

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