Crazy Bling!

I love watches. I always have. And I really like the fancy jewelry stores at the big malls… cause they have lots of nice watches. I never buy anything, of course. I just like to try on the really expensive watches… Breitling, Omega, Rolex.  LOL  … This so makes me feel like a big shot.

First, I take my own wristwatch off… ’cause they’re gonna wanna see what’s already there… George brand from WalMart kinda makes me look like the low-baller I am… and I think … in a store like this … the naked wrist says “it’s time I treated myself right for a change”… whereas the George watch says “Hi, is there a Taco Bell in the food court!”

OK… now, I carefully eye the selection… then confidently indicate the first of what will come to be just a few choice items. You see… the millionaire knows what he wants… but then again… he is discreet and contemplative when it comes to important decisions like this. ( lol  I’ve really thought this through – what a dork! )

So I watch the lady take the first one out of the case. She always wipes it down with that fancy soft cloth… she’ll take a look at the tag on it… say some gobbledygook I never listen to.. And I’m all “mm yes, yes”… and she hands it right on over to me.

At times… the urge to yell “LOOK!!  A GIANT CHICKEN!!” and jet out the door with my new present causes my internal temperature to rise 12 degrees and thick sweat gushes from my forehead… but I usually recover nicely. Other times I blame it on Taco Bell and excuse myself.

Alright… fancy watch in hand… Cue the know-it-all…

For starters… I never look at the price tag. After all… if I have to ask… then I can’t afford it, right! *wink* She’s gonna tell me what it costs anyway… and I’m gonna ask “and you’ll take Am Ex Platinum right?”…

If you’ve ever had a Breitling, Omega, Rolex on your wrist… then you know that OMG feeling! I could only imagine the OMG feeling would be so much more intense if … say.. my wife were to give me one for our anniversary next year. ( xoxo who loves ya baby! )

So… the nice lady stands there with me for several long minutes under those scorching halogen spot lights while I eye those beauties one last time… (guys, I am talking about watches… say it with me… waaatchesss).  Alas! “Ya know… I like these a lot… I’m going to leave it up to my wife… see which one she gets me”. (haha)

The nice lady writes the specifics for each watch on the back of her card… I tuck it in my shirt pocket… And head on over to Taco Bell.

And that’s how I spent my Saturday   😀

Published in: on June 16, 2010 at 4:58 am  Leave a Comment  

Tomato is Not a Fruit!

Is tomato a fruit or vegetable? How hard can it be to answer this question?   Ha!… Arkansas was so confused about the issue… that they made the tomato both the state fruit and state vegetable. Well, I don’t care what the scientists say. Tomato is not a fruit. Straight up… plain and simple… It’s a vegetable. And here’s why…

Ever pull up to Sonic and ask for a tomato milk shake?

So, what’s your favorite flavor ice cream? Bet it aint tomato.

Mmm… yeah! Throw some more tomatoes on my banana split!

Who uses tomato flavored lip gloss?

Know what you call jam made from boysenberries? Yummy on a bagel!

Know what you call jam made from tomatoes? Spaghetti sauce.

You can buy fruit juice… or you can by tomato juice.

Fruit baskets! Never a tomato anywhere.

And let’s not forget edible underwear! I know you aint pickin’ tomato!

Published in: on June 14, 2010 at 9:00 pm  Leave a Comment  

Putting a Cork in it…

So I just love how everyone wants to vilify BP now.  “I’m never shopping there again”… “I wish BP would get their head out of their…” … “BP killed my Cabbage Patch Kid”… “How am I supposed to pay for my Carnival Cruise now BP!”… Yeah? Well, nobody was complainin’ about all the oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico that ultimately employ tens of thousands until this tragedy occurred with the DP Horizon.

And that reminds me! I have actually spoken with numerous people about this big spill in the Gulf… in doing so I often reference the “DP Horizon that blew”. And the response from some of these people? “Umm… what’s that?” What! Once again I’m totally amazed at the level of ignorance surrounding this catastrophe.

Oh by the way! DP Horizon was the drilling rig that exploded (leading to the oil spill) in the Gulf of Mexico killing 11 human beings and seriously injuring several others… it’s amazing anyone made it off that thing alive!

Regarding the oil that flows from the “leak”… I think my favorite comment from one girl was… “How hard can it be to put a plug in a hole?!” LOL About as easy as stuffing a cork in the end of a 5 inch fire hose blowing 3000 gallons per minute into your face… umm…  Lemme know when you’ve completed that task as I am still trying to convert jet fuel into clean drinking water using bologna and a toothpick… and I could so use your help!

And now I’m just ranting … So do me a favor please and fix me a turkey sandwich… and fetch me cold beer while you’re at it. And I don’t wanna hear that it’s not even 8 in the morning yetFor God’s sake man! BP’s your enemy.. not me!!!…   ok…  sooo… where’d we land on that sandwich and beer hmmm?

Published in: on June 14, 2010 at 9:49 am  Leave a Comment  

Little Blue Waffle Wagon

I’ve never been to Portland. Maybe you have. When I was a kid I had a pen pal who lived there. Her name was DeeDee. Other than that… my knowledge of this place comes from a show I watched about homeless kids who live in the park. I doubted that’s all there is to Portland, Oregon… so I went a-huntin’ on the internet… ’cause that’s just how I roll…

The Little Blue Waffle Wagon at 33 & Division.

Fresh veggies from Wintergreen farmer’s market.

Beautiful Japanese Garden.

Portland Blues Festival.

Ooo how sparkly!

No matter which way you turn… it’s all wow.

A Portland streetcar.

Umm… well you know that’s a bridge, right?

Historic downtown baby!

Chickens at the Eastside Egg Co-op… umm… wow!

The person who took this picture wrote the following:
Here’s a ham sandwich I made for lunch today. Elly grew the lettuce in the backyard; the tomato is from our CSA; the cheese is a variety of soft parmesan; the ham, as you can see, is cut into one big slab; the mayonaise, which cannot be seen, I made with one yolk from the Zenger farm coop co-op and some olive oil; the bread I made with the same dough as the bagels, omitting an overnight proofing as I wanted a homogenous crumb.
Go Portland! Talk about being excited about your sandwich!!

Published in: on June 14, 2010 at 1:45 am  Leave a Comment  

Bacon & Eggs

Facin’ the fuzz is never a good feeling. They’ve always made me nervous and … for that … I always like to just mess with em every change I get. Even just sittin’ in the same McAllister’s with them … I feel like any second I wanna bolt outa my chair and run out the door… just to see if I can get em to chase me.

See… I have more moving violations than any five people I know combined. Matter of fact… I once accumulated 17 in one year. In my later years, however… I tend to take it a bit more easy on the streets… especially since I lost my license for not paying a speeding ticket in Louisiana … and my wife now does all the driving.

Here’s just a few things i wish I had said when I had the chance

Don’t look so smug… I let you catch me…
* patting the dashboard * … ol’ Bessy here coulda outrun you if she wanted to.

Do you have any idea what you’ve done?! I have a cup of my own semen in this bag!… and I gotta get it to the hospital pronto to fertilize my sister’s eggs!!

Whew! I’m sorry… I’m just so nervous… I thought for a minute there you were gonna wanna look in the trunk!

When are you guys gonna leave me alone! I told you before… you got no proof it was me who killed those 16 people in Texas! Can I go now please??

Oh!… ummm… I don’t have any pastries on me… but you can have some of my beef jerky and warm Bud Light if ya want.

What?! Hey I’m sorry… I can’t hear a word you’re saying… I was just in a freak mining accident like a week ago… and I haven’t been able to hear worth a hoot since then.. you’re gonna have to yell!!

So let me get this straight. You’re pulling me over… because I started driving realll fast after you pointed that thing you claim is a radar gun at me?? And just how am I supposed to know what kinda gun it is?? You should really be more responsible with that thing.

So this is what it’s like to be harassed … you think just because I look like Brad Pitt you can just pull me over and ask me to have kids with your wife?!  Get outa here!

Published in: on June 13, 2010 at 12:04 pm  Leave a Comment  

All About Ozwald

I write stuff.

You read it.

Um, yeah.

Published in: on June 7, 2010 at 3:12 am  Leave a Comment