Muy Caliente

“Desperado Housewives” starring Porche Perez, Vixen Ramirez, Beefcake Rodriguez, Juan Buffalo and Stallion Martinez.

A lonely housewife finds herself fascinated with two young studly cabana boys. But as their unbridled passion steams in the hot Mexican sun… her jealous husband, owner of the local slaughter house, begins making plans of his own for his wife and her new young lovers.

Published in: on July 18, 2010 at 6:53 pm  Leave a Comment  

Bad, Bad News for White People!

HOLD YOUR HORSES.. oops.. sorry.. all caps.. Bad, bad news white people!… According to research from Harvard University… White Americans are far more likely than their black counterparts to die soon after the death of a spouse… WHAT! Not fair at all if you ask me.

Published in: on July 17, 2010 at 3:08 am  Leave a Comment  

Your Next Slice of Watermelon Could Be Your Last!

HAHA! Craziest sarcastic post on Facebook by some an angry lady today… “Women who eat watermelon compared to mayo are twice as likely to have premature kids”

SAD THING IS… it doesn’t even begin to cover the all of the serious issues that come with Eating Watermelon… For example…

There’s polyuria (peeing a lot), sticky fingers and messy face, dripping watermelon juice on your nice shirt… and perhaps one of the most serious complications: Growing a watermelon plant out of your belly button!

Get your facts straight… these health complications can happen to anyone who eats watermelon… not just women… and even if a person eats mayo all of the time.. and indulges even once in a 4th of July slice of watermelon they are putting themselves in grave danger.

Published in: on July 17, 2010 at 3:02 am  Leave a Comment  

MORE Say What You Mean to Say…

Hmm… I really like this one…

Dear “So-and-So”,

Most disturbing to me are your tyrannical, disrespectful and arrogant emails – along with your discourteous and less-than-professional conduct during our work-related encounters. You are, at the very least, abusive and borderline harassing.

Additionally, there are the multiple occasions where you refused to pay me in a timely manner and ignored my numerous emails about the matter forcing me to illicit the assistance of the Personnel Director in order to remedy the situations. Predictably, I was scolded by you for this – even though these issues were entirely your fault.

Throughout all of this I have indeed tolerated these transgressions while conducting myself responsibly, respectfully, courteously and professionally with you at all times.

See to it, please, that going forward from today: your dialog with me falls into the realms of professionalism and respect I, as your subordinate, deserve.

Thanks and have a great day.

Published in: on July 12, 2010 at 9:21 pm  Leave a Comment  

Crazy Bling!

I love watches. I always have. And I really like the fancy jewelry stores at the big malls… cause they have lots of nice watches. I never buy anything, of course. I just like to try on the really expensive watches… Breitling, Omega, Rolex.  LOL  … This so makes me feel like a big shot.

First, I take my own wristwatch off… ’cause they’re gonna wanna see what’s already there… George brand from WalMart kinda makes me look like the low-baller I am… and I think … in a store like this … the naked wrist says “it’s time I treated myself right for a change”… whereas the George watch says “Hi, is there a Taco Bell in the food court!”

OK… now, I carefully eye the selection… then confidently indicate the first of what will come to be just a few choice items. You see… the millionaire knows what he wants… but then again… he is discreet and contemplative when it comes to important decisions like this. ( lol  I’ve really thought this through – what a dork! )

So I watch the lady take the first one out of the case. She always wipes it down with that fancy soft cloth… she’ll take a look at the tag on it… say some gobbledygook I never listen to.. And I’m all “mm yes, yes”… and she hands it right on over to me.

At times… the urge to yell “LOOK!!  A GIANT CHICKEN!!” and jet out the door with my new present causes my internal temperature to rise 12 degrees and thick sweat gushes from my forehead… but I usually recover nicely. Other times I blame it on Taco Bell and excuse myself.

Alright… fancy watch in hand… Cue the know-it-all…

For starters… I never look at the price tag. After all… if I have to ask… then I can’t afford it, right! *wink* She’s gonna tell me what it costs anyway… and I’m gonna ask “and you’ll take Am Ex Platinum right?”…

If you’ve ever had a Breitling, Omega, Rolex on your wrist… then you know that OMG feeling! I could only imagine the OMG feeling would be so much more intense if … say.. my wife were to give me one for our anniversary next year. ( xoxo who loves ya baby! )

So… the nice lady stands there with me for several long minutes under those scorching halogen spot lights while I eye those beauties one last time… (guys, I am talking about watches… say it with me… waaatchesss).  Alas! “Ya know… I like these a lot… I’m going to leave it up to my wife… see which one she gets me”. (haha)

The nice lady writes the specifics for each watch on the back of her card… I tuck it in my shirt pocket… And head on over to Taco Bell.

And that’s how I spent my Saturday   😀

Published in: on June 16, 2010 at 4:58 am  Leave a Comment  

Tomato is Not a Fruit!

Is tomato a fruit or vegetable? How hard can it be to answer this question?   Ha!… Arkansas was so confused about the issue… that they made the tomato both the state fruit and state vegetable. Well, I don’t care what the scientists say. Tomato is not a fruit. Straight up… plain and simple… It’s a vegetable. And here’s why…

Ever pull up to Sonic and ask for a tomato milk shake?

So, what’s your favorite flavor ice cream? Bet it aint tomato.

Mmm… yeah! Throw some more tomatoes on my banana split!

Who uses tomato flavored lip gloss?

Know what you call jam made from boysenberries? Yummy on a bagel!

Know what you call jam made from tomatoes? Spaghetti sauce.

You can buy fruit juice… or you can by tomato juice.

Fruit baskets! Never a tomato anywhere.

And let’s not forget edible underwear! I know you aint pickin’ tomato!

Published in: on June 14, 2010 at 9:00 pm  Leave a Comment  

Putting a Cork in it…

So I just love how everyone wants to vilify BP now.  “I’m never shopping there again”… “I wish BP would get their head out of their…” … “BP killed my Cabbage Patch Kid”… “How am I supposed to pay for my Carnival Cruise now BP!”… Yeah? Well, nobody was complainin’ about all the oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico that ultimately employ tens of thousands until this tragedy occurred with the DP Horizon.

And that reminds me! I have actually spoken with numerous people about this big spill in the Gulf… in doing so I often reference the “DP Horizon that blew”. And the response from some of these people? “Umm… what’s that?” What! Once again I’m totally amazed at the level of ignorance surrounding this catastrophe.

Oh by the way! DP Horizon was the drilling rig that exploded (leading to the oil spill) in the Gulf of Mexico killing 11 human beings and seriously injuring several others… it’s amazing anyone made it off that thing alive!

Regarding the oil that flows from the “leak”… I think my favorite comment from one girl was… “How hard can it be to put a plug in a hole?!” LOL About as easy as stuffing a cork in the end of a 5 inch fire hose blowing 3000 gallons per minute into your face… umm…  Lemme know when you’ve completed that task as I am still trying to convert jet fuel into clean drinking water using bologna and a toothpick… and I could so use your help!

And now I’m just ranting … So do me a favor please and fix me a turkey sandwich… and fetch me cold beer while you’re at it. And I don’t wanna hear that it’s not even 8 in the morning yetFor God’s sake man! BP’s your enemy.. not me!!!…   ok…  sooo… where’d we land on that sandwich and beer hmmm?

Published in: on June 14, 2010 at 9:49 am  Leave a Comment  

Little Blue Waffle Wagon

I’ve never been to Portland. Maybe you have. When I was a kid I had a pen pal who lived there. Her name was DeeDee. Other than that… my knowledge of this place comes from a show I watched about homeless kids who live in the park. I doubted that’s all there is to Portland, Oregon… so I went a-huntin’ on the internet… ’cause that’s just how I roll…

The Little Blue Waffle Wagon at 33 & Division.

Fresh veggies from Wintergreen farmer’s market.

Beautiful Japanese Garden.

Portland Blues Festival.

Ooo how sparkly!

No matter which way you turn… it’s all wow.

A Portland streetcar.

Umm… well you know that’s a bridge, right?

Historic downtown baby!

Chickens at the Eastside Egg Co-op… umm… wow!

The person who took this picture wrote the following:
Here’s a ham sandwich I made for lunch today. Elly grew the lettuce in the backyard; the tomato is from our CSA; the cheese is a variety of soft parmesan; the ham, as you can see, is cut into one big slab; the mayonaise, which cannot be seen, I made with one yolk from the Zenger farm coop co-op and some olive oil; the bread I made with the same dough as the bagels, omitting an overnight proofing as I wanted a homogenous crumb.
Go Portland! Talk about being excited about your sandwich!!

Published in: on June 14, 2010 at 1:45 am  Leave a Comment  

Bacon & Eggs

Facin’ the fuzz is never a good feeling. They’ve always made me nervous and … for that … I always like to just mess with em every change I get. Even just sittin’ in the same McAllister’s with them … I feel like any second I wanna bolt outa my chair and run out the door… just to see if I can get em to chase me.

See… I have more moving violations than any five people I know combined. Matter of fact… I once accumulated 17 in one year. In my later years, however… I tend to take it a bit more easy on the streets… especially since I lost my license for not paying a speeding ticket in Louisiana … and my wife now does all the driving.

Here’s just a few things i wish I had said when I had the chance

Don’t look so smug… I let you catch me…
* patting the dashboard * … ol’ Bessy here coulda outrun you if she wanted to.

Do you have any idea what you’ve done?! I have a cup of my own semen in this bag!… and I gotta get it to the hospital pronto to fertilize my sister’s eggs!!

Whew! I’m sorry… I’m just so nervous… I thought for a minute there you were gonna wanna look in the trunk!

When are you guys gonna leave me alone! I told you before… you got no proof it was me who killed those 16 people in Texas! Can I go now please??

Oh!… ummm… I don’t have any pastries on me… but you can have some of my beef jerky and warm Bud Light if ya want.

What?! Hey I’m sorry… I can’t hear a word you’re saying… I was just in a freak mining accident like a week ago… and I haven’t been able to hear worth a hoot since then.. you’re gonna have to yell!!

So let me get this straight. You’re pulling me over… because I started driving realll fast after you pointed that thing you claim is a radar gun at me?? And just how am I supposed to know what kinda gun it is?? You should really be more responsible with that thing.

So this is what it’s like to be harassed … you think just because I look like Brad Pitt you can just pull me over and ask me to have kids with your wife?!  Get outa here!

Published in: on June 13, 2010 at 12:04 pm  Leave a Comment  

The Gift that Keeps on Giving

“You need a colonoscopy“.

“The heck I do!”

That’s how the conversation needs to go.

That’s how it needs to end.

If you’ve ever wanted to know what it’s like to have an angry Troy Polamalu slam into your rear end at full stride wearing a missile-shaped helmet with a pretty little light on the end of it… Well! Then here’s your chance!  Wanna know what it’s like to blow air and mucous out your rear for two whole days??… Yeah. Thought you’d say that.

Once you get the news from your family doctor that you’ll need a colonoscopy… I strongly recommend asking the following questions:

1. What the (your word here) is a colonoscopy?


3. Can my friend film it on his video phone?

4. Will I at least get paid to do this?

5. How long does it take?

6. Will this be on You Tube?

But wait!… There’s some prep work that needs to happen before you ever even make it to Doctor Feelgood…

Depending on what ails you specifically the doctor may want a few stool samples, which you will need to bring with you the day of your colonoscopy. And let me tell you… the idea of depositing measured amounts of one’s own doo-doo into tiny plastic cups and then freezing these bad boys… is an ugly one. (At least it should be). Not to mention you will soon be waltzing into the clinic with your own pretty “non see-thru bag” of frozen turds… so get ready.

The day before the procedure you will have to swallow… please sit down for this… THIRTY SOME-ODD DULCOLAX. Translation please: Self Induced Diarrhea. The good news is that you only get to drink liquids and eat yogurt for a whole stinkin’ day. So at least you won’t be wasting Grandma’s Famous Turkey Pot Pie.

In addition to the magic diarrhea pills… you’ll need some Gas-X… and you’ll need to swig down a gallon of lemon-flavored Magnesium Citrate… which, by the way, is like drinking artificially flavored goat urine. So, good luck with that.

OK… now your day of funny fun is over and it’s time to go…

At the clinic you’ll find a room full of people who are there waiting for their turn. And ever so often you’ll see some unsuspecting sacrificial lamb stand when his name is called, smile ’cause he ain’t gotta wait anymore, then follow the nice lady right on back… “well it’s about time” written all over his face.

Mmmm Hmmm. A few hours later the same door opens realll slowww like… and you see the same dude walkin’ all limpy to one side… kinda half speed now. Oh boy.

Your turn! You stroll on back with your bag of turd sickles, do the whole scale thing… blah blah blah… Now you’re on the bed in your cute little gown… you get jabbed for the IV… get your drugs… fall asleep…

And so you wake up. And it’s all over. And GOD it hurts. Your belly is cramping and your butt hole feels like you sat on the business end of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Get used to it. ‘Cause it’s a whole ‘couple more days before that goes away.

And, ladies… if your sweet little boyfriend comes on back to Recovery to give you butterfly kisses and hold your pin-pricked hand… SEND HIM OUT… ’cause they just pumped your intestines full of compressed air… and it’s fixin’ to rip!

The good news is… the whole thing from start to finish is just a few hours. And you can have someone drive you home as soon as you feel up to it.

So… give yourself a little happy pill while you’re limping on out the door… and say to the unsuspecting magazine-flipping zombies waitin’ for their turn…  “OMG that thing was HUGE!  I’ll pray for you all.”

Published in: on May 21, 2010 at 10:10 pm  Leave a Comment