Muy Caliente

“Desperado Housewives” starring Porche Perez, Vixen Ramirez, Beefcake Rodriguez, Juan Buffalo and Stallion Martinez.

A lonely housewife finds herself fascinated with two young studly cabana boys. But as their unbridled passion steams in the hot Mexican sun… her jealous husband, owner of the local slaughter house, begins making plans of his own for his wife and her new young lovers.

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Published in: on July 18, 2010 at 6:53 pm  Leave a Comment  

Bad, Bad News for White People!

HOLD YOUR HORSES.. oops.. sorry.. all caps.. Bad, bad news white people!… According to research from Harvard University… White Americans are far more likely than their black counterparts to die soon after the death of a spouse… WHAT! Not fair at all if you ask me.

http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/2006/03.02/05-widow.html

Published in: on July 17, 2010 at 3:08 am  Leave a Comment  

Your Next Slice of Watermelon Could Be Your Last!

HAHA! Craziest sarcastic post on Facebook by some an angry lady today… “Women who eat watermelon compared to mayo are twice as likely to have premature kids”

SAD THING IS… it doesn’t even begin to cover the all of the serious issues that come with Eating Watermelon… For example…

There’s polyuria (peeing a lot), sticky fingers and messy face, dripping watermelon juice on your nice shirt… and perhaps one of the most serious complications: Growing a watermelon plant out of your belly button!

Get your facts straight… these health complications can happen to anyone who eats watermelon… not just women… and even if a person eats mayo all of the time.. and indulges even once in a 4th of July slice of watermelon they are putting themselves in grave danger.

Published in: on July 17, 2010 at 3:02 am  Leave a Comment  

Putting a Cork in it…

So I just love how everyone wants to vilify BP now.  “I’m never shopping there again”… “I wish BP would get their head out of their…” … “BP killed my Cabbage Patch Kid”… “How am I supposed to pay for my Carnival Cruise now BP!”… Yeah? Well, nobody was complainin’ about all the oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico that ultimately employ tens of thousands until this tragedy occurred with the DP Horizon.

And that reminds me! I have actually spoken with numerous people about this big spill in the Gulf… in doing so I often reference the “DP Horizon that blew”. And the response from some of these people? “Umm… what’s that?” What! Once again I’m totally amazed at the level of ignorance surrounding this catastrophe.

Oh by the way! DP Horizon was the drilling rig that exploded (leading to the oil spill) in the Gulf of Mexico killing 11 human beings and seriously injuring several others… it’s amazing anyone made it off that thing alive!

Regarding the oil that flows from the “leak”… I think my favorite comment from one girl was… “How hard can it be to put a plug in a hole?!” LOL About as easy as stuffing a cork in the end of a 5 inch fire hose blowing 3000 gallons per minute into your face… umm…  Lemme know when you’ve completed that task as I am still trying to convert jet fuel into clean drinking water using bologna and a toothpick… and I could so use your help!

And now I’m just ranting … So do me a favor please and fix me a turkey sandwich… and fetch me cold beer while you’re at it. And I don’t wanna hear that it’s not even 8 in the morning yetFor God’s sake man! BP’s your enemy.. not me!!!…   ok…  sooo… where’d we land on that sandwich and beer hmmm?

Published in: on June 14, 2010 at 9:49 am  Leave a Comment  

The Gift that Keeps on Giving

“You need a colonoscopy“.

“The heck I do!”

That’s how the conversation needs to go.

That’s how it needs to end.

If you’ve ever wanted to know what it’s like to have an angry Troy Polamalu slam into your rear end at full stride wearing a missile-shaped helmet with a pretty little light on the end of it… Well! Then here’s your chance!  Wanna know what it’s like to blow air and mucous out your rear for two whole days??… Yeah. Thought you’d say that.

Once you get the news from your family doctor that you’ll need a colonoscopy… I strongly recommend asking the following questions:

1. What the (your word here) is a colonoscopy?

2. WILL IT HURT?

3. Can my friend film it on his video phone?

4. Will I at least get paid to do this?

5. How long does it take?

6. Will this be on You Tube?

But wait!… There’s some prep work that needs to happen before you ever even make it to Doctor Feelgood…

Depending on what ails you specifically the doctor may want a few stool samples, which you will need to bring with you the day of your colonoscopy. And let me tell you… the idea of depositing measured amounts of one’s own doo-doo into tiny plastic cups and then freezing these bad boys… is an ugly one. (At least it should be). Not to mention you will soon be waltzing into the clinic with your own pretty “non see-thru bag” of frozen turds… so get ready.

The day before the procedure you will have to swallow… please sit down for this… THIRTY SOME-ODD DULCOLAX. Translation please: Self Induced Diarrhea. The good news is that you only get to drink liquids and eat yogurt for a whole stinkin’ day. So at least you won’t be wasting Grandma’s Famous Turkey Pot Pie.

In addition to the magic diarrhea pills… you’ll need some Gas-X… and you’ll need to swig down a gallon of lemon-flavored Magnesium Citrate… which, by the way, is like drinking artificially flavored goat urine. So, good luck with that.

OK… now your day of funny fun is over and it’s time to go…

At the clinic you’ll find a room full of people who are there waiting for their turn. And ever so often you’ll see some unsuspecting sacrificial lamb stand when his name is called, smile ’cause he ain’t gotta wait anymore, then follow the nice lady right on back… “well it’s about time” written all over his face.

Mmmm Hmmm. A few hours later the same door opens realll slowww like… and you see the same dude walkin’ all limpy to one side… kinda half speed now. Oh boy.

Your turn! You stroll on back with your bag of turd sickles, do the whole scale thing… blah blah blah… Now you’re on the bed in your cute little gown… you get jabbed for the IV… get your drugs… fall asleep…

And so you wake up. And it’s all over. And GOD it hurts. Your belly is cramping and your butt hole feels like you sat on the business end of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Get used to it. ‘Cause it’s a whole ‘couple more days before that goes away.

And, ladies… if your sweet little boyfriend comes on back to Recovery to give you butterfly kisses and hold your pin-pricked hand… SEND HIM OUT… ’cause they just pumped your intestines full of compressed air… and it’s fixin’ to rip!

The good news is… the whole thing from start to finish is just a few hours. And you can have someone drive you home as soon as you feel up to it.

So… give yourself a little happy pill while you’re limping on out the door… and say to the unsuspecting magazine-flipping zombies waitin’ for their turn…  “OMG that thing was HUGE!  I’ll pray for you all.”


Published in: on May 21, 2010 at 10:10 pm  Leave a Comment